Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Cubicle Chronicles: No Fines Here

I really think it’s rude when people walk in the office and don’t say good morning.

Especially if they are your coworkers.

And y’all in the same department that consists of only 4 people.

And nobody drinks coffee, so the “I need my coffee first” excuse can’t be used.

This is what I deal with every day with one of my coworkers. Unless he has a question, he’ll walk by my desk multiple times a day*, and not utter a word to me. He easily speaks to my other coworker, Ditzy Daisy (who started with him a year and a half ago), and the ladies that sit across the aisle from us who are part of another department.

Also, he’s is just like Issa’s whispering coworker on “Awkward Black Girl.” So, not only do you act like I slept with you last night**, but I have to stop breathing to hear what you’re saying, too?!

Dis tew much.

Before Mr. Whisper In Your Ear and Ditzy Daisy arrived, our team dynamic was great! Now? Not so much. And I've stopped trying to make it better. Now that I’ve realized there is a generational gap between my coworkers and I (30s vs late 40s/early 50s), the differences between how they work vs how I work are making more sense to me. You want to ask someone in another department for help, causing them to vent to me about how much you’ve annoyed them in the past hour because you didn't ask me for help? Cool!

Not speak to me? Super!

I’m just here so I don’t get fined.

K to the…

*Though I can’t see him walk by my desk, I can hear him due to whatever he has in his pockets that jingles.
**When I didn’t say good morning to my grandmother a kid, she would say “Did I sleep with you last night?” I still don't get it, Mei-Mei! I‘ve said good morning to people the morning after I’ve slept w-…wait, what are we talking about here?

Monday, July 24, 2017

Bifcake Chronicles: Will There Be One?

If you are friends with me on social media, you will notice there are certain friends with whom I spend the majority of my time. There are six of us in the Chicagoland area, including my g-babies’ auntie,  and a friend who stays in Florida. Amongst the six of us here, two are married, one is getting married in the Fall, another is in the process of being a homeowner with her beau, and another one is in the process of no longer describing her relationship as “long-distance.”

None of the ladies in the previous, long-ass sentence describes yours truly.

Womp.

The one who is moving away (DJ) has been my rider. Because her beau doesn’t reside here and she doesn’t have kids, she can just get up and go when an idea pops up in either of our heads. But with her leaving, who will be the person I can call on when I just want to get up and go? As an introvert, I have no problem doing things by myself. But sometimes, I want someone I know to roll with me, ya know?

While walking back to the car after a museum visit and some good grubbing, I told DJ that I need someone I can hang with. If there is an adult night and the husbands/beaus/and soon-to-be wife are around, I want to have someone to roll with me so I’m not looking like the nth wheel AGAIN. I want to take a walk downtown and just enjoy the city; or eat some fancy shmancy food at a place I've never been (he doesn't have to pay - we can split the bill); or go to the movies to check out that new [insert Director's name here] movie; or simply chill at the lakefront.

Basically, I just want some company.

Will there be one?

K to the…

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Bifcake Chronicles: The Womens Too?

“Nobody can walk by with me without dancing with me”
-Someone’s auntie to me at Chosen Few Picnic

I have noticed in the past year that I have had men AND women trying to spit that game. Anybody who knows me knows I don’t care about hanging with my peeps who are part of the LGBTQ community. So, if someone attempts to holla after seeing with whom I was just conversing, I get it. I don’t know what made your auntie holla at me at the picnic because I was walking around solo dolo looking for my peeps.

The locs?

The crop top?

No idea.

Am I offended when women try to holla? Nope. It actually boosts my ego a little because I know that not only can I get yo daddy…I COULD GET YO AUNTIE TOO, IF I WANTED HER!!!

LMAO

Just joshing guys.

Only about getting your auntie, though.

I’m not joking about getting your daddy.

Especially if he has a salt and pepper beard.

I’ll gladly be your new step-mother.

Bless up.

K to the…

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Year of the 3-5

**Is this really my first post of 2017? Shame on me!**

A goal of mine for 2017 was to travel to at least one place I’ve never been each quarter. For Q1, that place was Houston, TX. For Q2, I wanted to hit up The DR. However, due to moving expenses (yeah...again. *eyeroll*) and a necessary uninsured dental procedure...there won't be a Q2 trip.

Probably no Q3 trip, as well.

So I've modified my goal for the Year of the 3-5. Instead of traveling to places I’ve never been, I’m going to do things in my city that I've never done before. During my birthday trip in Philly, we spent hours at Philadelphia Museum of Art (after running the steps like Rocky). However, I have never been to the Art Institute of Chicago. How, Sway?! I recently visited an exhibit the Museum of Science & Industry has had every year since 1970 (WHET!?) showcasing African-American artists. I had no idea that exhibit existed.

Basically, I’m trying to create new experiences in my city for the Year of the 3-5. And step my Chi-town brunch game up.

I’m OK with holding off till Q4 to go some place I’ve never been before. That means I have more time to save for a big auss, dope auss trip.

Let's get it!

K to the...

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Merry Christmas Lil Mama

The past couple of years on Christmas morning, my sis and I have fixed breakfast. Last year, we were cutting up to "Look At My Dab" with my grandmother making a guest appearance.

A video posted by Vita Corleone (@kd.4) on


After hearing Chance The Rapper and Jeremih's new mixtape, I told Kiara "Merry Christmas Lil Mama" will be our cut up song for Christmas 2016. The song is Chicago as hell...and so are we. It was only right.

So, we record a video lasting almost the entire length of the song. I break it down in 3 parts and post on IG. My mom ends up being in the third video because she came in the kitchen fussing about water running in the sink. That is why Kiara proceeds to juke on her.

Stop your fussing woman, it's Christmas!

When I post the videos, I tagged Mr. Bennett in two of them, thanking him for the song. Friends view, like, comment...cool. I leave my phone alone for a couple of hours so it can charge.

I get back on IG, and I see a gang of random people have liked my videos, and some of them have started following me. I'm thinking "Oh, they must have clicked on the hashtag and found my video. But why are they following me?" I keep scrolling then I see the comment "omg he reposted."

A video posted by Chance The Rapper (@chancetherapper) on



Like my P-town folk say...I was gaggin!

Not only were randoms liking the vids I posted that morning. Some were going back and liking old posts. Was I supposed to give them a shoutout "for the IG love?" (Do people still do that!?) It was crazy! I turned off comments on the videos, because one idiot made his way to my page just to talk about my Christmas pajamas.

Uh...OK.

I've removed SOOOOOO many people as followers. I'm not a creative that is promoting anything, so I didn't need an increase in followers. They were gonna unfollow me, anyway, after seeing that I'm boring. I just helped them out. O_O

After two days of mayhem in my notifications, my IG is somewhat back to normal. Haleloo!

A Merry Christmas, indeed, Lil Mama!

K to the...

P.S. Hundreds of thousands of people have watch me act a fool...while I wasn't wearing a bra. Geez Louise!

P.P.S. It was hot as hell in the kitchen. I was dripping in sweat after that video.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Pardon my French...

This post contains hella caps, randomocity and might cause some to clutch some pearls.

You've been warned.

Ready?

OK.

NEWS FLASH FUTHAMUCKAS!!!!

WOMEN LOVE SEX!

WOMEN DON'T ALWAYS CHEAT FOR SOME EMOTIONAL CONNECTION!!!

WOMEN CAN HAVE FWBs WITHOUT WANTING AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION!!!

Back in my "savage" days (LOL), I had gotten some outside dick (and mouth) with no remorse while in a relationship. No emotional connection. I just wanted a release!

Also, during a 2nd "savage" period (I am cracking up as I type this post), I had a FWB (who was 11 years my senior) for a good 6 months. Six months of some of the best sex I've ever had on a weekly basis; sometimes twice a week. I had no desire to be in a relationship with this guy.

Why?

Because he already had two kids, one close to being a teen. Meaning, he was probably done having kids.

Why do I say probably?

BECAUSE THE ONLY CONVERSATIONS WE HAD WERE ABOUT THE TIME I WOULD COME OVER TO GET THE DICK OR WHATEVER WAS ON TV BEFORE THE CLOTHES CAME OFF! I didn't care to know about his future plans, really.

Why?

Because, we were just two grown ass people wanting to have some amazing, consensual, safe sex.

Yes, most of us women are wired to emotionally connect with folk easier than men. See what I said there? "Most of us" That means not all women. My guys have told me about some cold-hearted women they've come across. It's real outcheah, bruh.

I just want folk to stop treating us women like we are simply weak and emotional. Our vaginas are just as powerful and full of savagery as y'all penises!!! Have you heard the song "Pussy" by Jay-Z and Urinator of the Pre-pubescent R. Kelly?!? It's real.

K to the...

Friday, December 16, 2016

Body-ody-ody

Last week, I went a pop-up shop for 828 collection. I'm browsing and I come across this dress. I saw the back of the dress and immediately wanted to try it on.

Let’s pause for a sec about this dress.

I think all 5 of you reading this know how my body is shaped. Just in case someone stumbles across this post and has never seen me before – Hi. My name is Kenya. I have a pear-shaped body. Small up top, heavy bottom. Treasurer of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee, but Sergeant-At-Arms for This Wagon I’m Draggin Club. There is no 36-24-36…it’s 32-28-40. Mmkay, Pumpkin?

Back to this dress.

I usually stay away from dresses that really show my thim slick curves. And I knew this dress would show all the curves the moment I saw it. I was a little hesitant, but I went ahead and tried it on. Ya know...stepping out of my comfort zone.

I put it on, looked in the mirror and said “Damn!” My newfound enabler buddy Bebe Jones said “I didn’t know you had all that body!” SHEEEIT! I didn’t either! I had the dress on for about 15 minutes, waiting for Suzette to get a chance to pin and tuck where it was needed (up top, of course). The longer I wore it, the more comfortable I felt in it. And I got it for the low! After the alterations are made, it will be in my possession.

I don’t know when I’m going to wear it, but when I do, my theme song will be Trina’s “Pull Over”. I’ve treated my body well the past 5 years and it shows. Nothing wrong with wanting to show it off every now and then. ;-)

K to the…