Bifcake Chronicles: T-I-Red

I’m tired of men.

I’m tired of men wasting my unlimited text messages.

I’m tired of men who are really f*ckboys, and the people who enable their f*ckboy behavior.

I’m tired of men not respecting the f*cking boundaries I set. Do I seriously have to go Ella Jackson on men, and risk being called a bitch, for them to understand that I mean what I said?!

While getting my day pordee on this weekend, I received a text from someone I hadn't heard from since August. Back then, I clearly told him I wasn't interested in being his girl. Anybody who is a fan of "Dr." Umar Johnson is not someone I want to be with. I clearly stated we can still be cool or cordial when we see each other; no hard feelings.

Back to Saturday, after realizing who it is (number was no longer in my phone), I responded with pleasantries and there was some back and forth. At some point, the correspondence takes a turn for the worst:

So now, his number is blocked.

I. Am. Tired!

K to the...

Bifcake Chronicles: Plenty of NAWL

On the last Friday of 2017, due to pure boredom while waiting on a technician to repair the furnace, I created an account on Plenty of Fish (POF). I did this strictly for entertainment. Well, it was a mixture of entertainment and "If you don't get the fuh..."

I only had my account for 48 hours (LOL) because it's only so many ridiculously lame intros I can take. One dude was so ridiculous with his intro, I had to ask “Is this a serious question?”

What did he ask?

If I had to put in a lot of effort to be as beautiful as I am (ya know, using make-up and everything), or is it natural?

*pours wine on phone*

Another dude asked what I was doing June 2018, because he was going to wine and dine me, then take me to Jamaica, and some other fantasy ish. Then he said we’d live “somewhat happily ever after.”

Somewhat?

I can't be fully happy!?

In the “Conversation Starter” section of my profile, I stated “Yes, I play basketball. No, you can’t play for my heart,” because maugs think they are so clever with that “Love & Basketball” quote.

One guy asked “Can you play ball or do you just like to watch?”

Reading is fundamental, man.

Another guy said it didn’t seem like I played ball…because I was too cute to sweat.

*throws phone in toilet*

I personally know someone who met their spouse on POF.

That won't be me, though.

And I'm OK with that.

Happy New Year #nshit

K to the…

Bifcake Chronicles: Same Sh*t, Different Toilet

What I have been going through the past 4-5 weeks is similar to what one experiences in a physically abusive relationship.

Your partner hits you.
They see you're hurt.
They apologize, say they will do better
Then the following week, you're watching what you say or do so you don't provoke him
Yet, your partner hits you again
They see you're hurt.
They apologize, say they will do better.
Then the following week, you're watching what you say or do so you don't provoke him
Yet...

Replace those hits with insecurities projected on to you. For weeks I have been walking on eggshells as I try to be there for someone who is adjusting to life. I knew what was I getting myself into, however I was secure enough in myself to handle it. However, me being secure couldn't stop those "hits" though. No matter how much I compromised...it was never enough.

So, he says "Goodbye forever," however I'm supposed to respond to texts and phone calls with the same empty ass apology, afterwards? I should consider at least being friends with someone who said he didn't want to be my friend? Continue to be there for someone who doesn't fully appreciate all that I, along with everyone else who cares, had done for him?

Why would I want to go back to that? What makes he or anyone else thinks he deserves me as a friend right now...or ever again?

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

I'm back to being sane.

K to the...

Bifcake Chronicles: Will There Be One?

If you are friends with me on social media, you will notice there are certain friends with whom I spend the majority of my time. There are six of us in the Chicagoland area, including my g-babies’ auntie,  and a friend who stays in Florida. Amongst the six of us here, two are married, one is getting married in the Fall, another is in the process of being a homeowner with her beau, and another one is in the process of no longer describing her relationship as “long-distance.”

None of the ladies in the previous, long-ass sentence describes yours truly.

Womp.

The one who is moving away (DJ) has been my rider. Because her beau doesn’t reside here and she doesn’t have kids, she can just get up and go when an idea pops up in either of our heads. But with her leaving, who will be the person I can call on when I just want to get up and go? As an introvert, I have no problem doing things by myself. But sometimes, I want someone I know to roll with me, ya know?

While walking back to the car after a museum visit and some good grubbing, I told DJ that I need someone I can hang with. If there is an adult night and the husbands/beaus/and soon-to-be wife are around, I want to have someone to roll with me so I’m not looking like the nth wheel AGAIN. I want to take a walk downtown and just enjoy the city; or eat some fancy shmancy food at a place I've never been (he doesn't have to pay - we can split the bill); or go to the movies to check out that new [insert Director's name here] movie; or simply chill at the lakefront.

Basically, I just want some company.

Will there be one?

K to the…

Bifcake Chronicles: Hustlin backwards

After almost 3 months of being superficial and 1 date, I decided to delete my tinder account.

And we are in what is known as "cuffing season."

Ya girl is outcheah hustling backwards like a maug. 

I've learned from Tinder that to be "successful" with online dating, you have to really commit to it. Commit to finding possible matches. Commit to checking to see if you've matched with anyone. Then, commit to maintaining communication with your matches to see if they are worth your time.

After a week of that type of commitment, I'm over it. Then, the app sits dormant for about 3 weeks before I go "Oh...I'm not doing anything right now. Let me swipe."

Nah.

I've also learned there are way more "self-employed," "world-traveling" men out there in their 30s and 40s that have been schooled in "the streetz" than I may have originally thought. o_O

Thanks for the side-eye practice and giggles, Tinder.

K to the...

Bifcake Chronicles: Tinderoni

After obtaining proof from my ship that it’s not just a hook-up site, I joined Tinder last month. My profile has about 5 pics, and a very simple description:

“If you don’t acknowledge Pluto as a planet or looking for a FWB, keep it movin.”

Trill.

What’s cool about about Tinder is I am looking at profiles of men of all ethnicities who are within the age range of interest, and the radius I’ve chosen. I have come across some interesting profiles:

• Man looking for a sugar baby – We actually “matched” but I didn’t want to give up my cookies too. I have standards. *giggles*
• Married couples looking for a woman to spice things up – Nah
• Married men who are looking to just hook up – At least they’re honest
• Men in their 30s & 40s with no kids, never been married, and currently single – I call these men “Unicorns.” 
• Guys I know from high school or from hooping – I wanna match with them just so I can send a message saying “What the hell are you doing on here?” I just keep swiping.

There have been two Unicorns that I have been texting on the regular. One I went on a brunch date with this past weekend. He is much cuter in his pics. However, he had me cracking up at brunch. My face was hurting by the time we were leaving. We shall see how that goes.

The other unicorn seemed cool, based on text messages and his profile…until a phone conversation we had yesterday. I have a thing about outsiders coming in my city, residing here, then dissing it as if the entire city of Chicago, including all its citizens, ain’t shit. And that is basically what he was doing during the convo. He apologized after I told him he talks as if Chicago is beneath him. We're supposed to meet up on Friday after work for drinks. Ugh. That miiiiight be postponed.

AND...his "jokes" were lame. As someone who loves a good corny joke, for me to consider your jokes lame means you’re just…shut up!

Dating can be exhausting, yet fun at the same time. I joined Tinder to meet guys outside of my social circle. Kudos to me for keeping it going.

K to the...

Bifcake Chronicles: Just...no

Seeing a "filtered message" in your Facebook inbox saying "I love you" from an ex who is currently married is not flattering. And it's disrespectful to his wife. I wish I had seen the message when it was sent 4 months ago so I could have hit him with the "Nigga please, if you don't get the fuh..."

*I really miss when only people with whom I'm Facebook friends could send me messages.*

I don't read daily horoscopes. However, I'm a firm believer in our astrological signs saying a lot about who we are as individuals, and with whom we are romantically compatible. The disrespectful nincompoop was born under one of the signs with whom I am NOT compatible.

Pisces.

So, to the men that were born under Pisces and Virgo (another incompatible sign), this Sagittarian has only one thing to say to you:

K to the...

P.S. My last three relationships were with guys under Pisces or Virgo. No mas! No mas!

Bifcake Chronicles: Yeah...right

Back in 2014, I exchanged numbers with a guy I hoop with (no-no) so we could hang out outside of the gym. He has about 8 years on me, so I figured (no-no) he'd be different than the others who have tried to holla. We went out to dinner, once. Had a good conversation and said we'd hang out again. From the beginning I told him that I wasn't lookin for a FWB*. I guess he took that as me wanting a relationship because after that, he had all the excuses in the world to not hang out; then the polar vortex wreaked havoc on the Midwest. I was comfortable sitting in the crib, cooking and watching Netflix solo dolo. Thanks, Winter.

After a while, I stopped communicating with him outside of sideline chatter in-between games at the gym. Well, during the NBA Finals, I get a text. His number was no longer in my phone, but I knew who it was from the area code. I had to remind him that he played me before. He apologizes.

Whatever.

So he's like he wants to hang out or what not. I'm thinking he wanted to go to a bar, eat, drink, and talk shit about the Cavs.

Nope, not his plan.

So the subject changes...start talking about yoga and then:

Feel free to go the cheap, lazy route of hanging out with someone else.

K to the...

*Friend with benefit

"Bifcake" Chronicles: I'm out.

I got stood up two times this year. And I didn't get stood by some random dudes. No, these were guys I've known for more than 15 years; one I've known, basically, since birth.  The first "stand-up" wanted to take me to dinner; the second, meet up for drinks. The first "stand-up" I shrugged off because of the type of person he is. I could a write an entire blog series on this assh-...

Anywho.

The second "stand-up" I shrugged off, as well. I wasn't pissed because he wasn't responding to any of my texts the day of to confirm if we were still meeting up and if he decided on a location (Ya know, since it was his idea to meet up.). I wasn't pissed because of the "reason" for us not meeting up, which was told, maybe, 2 hours after we were supposed to me up (I honestly don't remember the timing. Number and texts were deleted after I got the "reason".).

None of that pissed me off because I had PATrick RONald and "Kill Bill" on DVD.


A couple of weeks later, he announces on Facebook the birth of his 2nd child.

So yeah...this dating thing?

Y'all can have it. I'm out.

F**k ninjas, get apples and grapes.

K to the...

#31WriteNow Day 24 - "Bifcake" Chronicles: I Don't Think So!

I am very honest when it comes to dealing with guys I'm dating, or in relationships with. This can be blamed on my first love. You know how Quincy and Monica met in “Love & Basketball”?  That was us, back in ’91 or ’92. There wasn’t a basketball rim in someone’s backyard, though. There was a milk crate on the light pole in an alley in Chatham-Avalon.  As we went from friends to being a couple about 10 years after we met, there was always great communication between us.  If a question was asked, an honest answer was given. These weren't insecure, jealous questions; just random questions to spark conversation.

I haven’t been with him since 2002. However, I've gone into relationships with the expectation of my partner being open and honest with me as I am with him. It seems to be a "curse"...a "curse" that has been a factor in why the 4 relationships I’ve been in since 2003 have failed.

This week, I got a friend request on Facebook from an ex. I ignored the request and I sent a message asking what he wanted.  He responded, stating he wanted to say hello and was confused as to why I asked the question.  I proceeded to remind him of the last time there was any correspondence between us.  It was in 2010, via a text message he sent to his sister, in which he said:

“Tell Kenya I said ‘F*** her!’”

Oh, I aired that nigga OUT on Facebook and Twitter. First, middle AND last name. Thank God for growth, though.  I had forgiven him way before this apology I received during the exchange this week.

After, politely*, reading him, he states:

“One thing I’ve always loved about you is you always tell the truth.”

Hmm.  I couldn't tell when we were together.  And I couldn't tell when we attempted to be friends in the years since we were together.  Now he wants my number so we can talk.

This "rekindle friendship->act like an ass->disappear->repeat" cycle.

Miss me with that.

K to the...

*I say “politely” because I didn’t curse him out.  I’m classy.