Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Bifcake Chronicles: Plenty of NAWL

On the last Friday of 2017, due to pure boredom while waiting on a technician to repair the furnace, I created an account on Plenty of Fish (POF). I did this strictly for entertainment. Well, it was a mixture of entertainment and "If you don't get the fuh..."

I only had my account for 48 hours (LOL) because it's only so many ridiculously lame intros I can take. One dude was so ridiculous with his intro, I had to ask “Is this a serious question?”

What did he ask?

If I had to put in a lot of effort to be as beautiful as I am (ya know, using make-up and everything), or is it natural?

*pours wine on phone*

Another dude asked what I was doing June 2018, because he was going to wine and dine me, then take me to Jamaica, and some other fantasy ish. Then he said we’d live “somewhat happily ever after.”


I can't be fully happy!?

In the “Conversation Starter” section of my profile, I stated “Yes, I play basketball. No, you can’t play for my heart,” because maugs think they are so clever with that “Love & Basketball” quote.

One guy asked “Can you play ball or do you just like to watch?”

Reading is fundamental, man.

Another guy said it didn’t seem like I played ball…because I was too cute to sweat.

*throws phone in toilet*

I personally know someone who met their spouse on POF.

That won't be me, though.

And I'm OK with that.

Happy New Year #nshit

K to the…

Friday, December 8, 2017

35 Things about my 35th Birthday Trip

  1. The weather
  2. The eye candy
  3. The accents
  4. All-inclusive
  5. Dancehall routines with Jamaicans and keeping up with them
  6. Meditating while laying in a hammock
  7. The bartender, Kemar, keeping me right at the 24-hr bar
  8. The view every morning when I opened my eyes
  9. Drinking while in the pool
  10. Eating foods I never ate before
  11. Appleton rum
  12. Catching up on 3 months of Essence mag in the sun
  13. Having genuine convos with strangers from different countries
  14. My birthday dress
  15. Meeting two other ladies who were celebrating their birthdays
  16. Flirting with the son of one of those ladies and his mother encouraging it
  17. My body in the birthday dress
  18. ATV riding
  19. Zip lining through the forest
  20. Tubing on the river
  21. Authentic Jamaican cuisine
  22. The entire restaurant singing “Happy Birthday” to me
  23. “NO MORE!” to the ladies who kept bringing me champagne
  24. Watching a steel drum band perform live for the first time
  25. Seeing a “3” hat setting off my Chicago spidey senses (The group was from Chicago...Bronzeville)
  26. Knowing a man was from Detroit or Chicago by the way he dressed (It was Chicago)
  27. A lazy day of hanging on the beach and then by the pool
  28. The lazy day bartender, Demar, and that smile
  29. “Empreeeesssssss” (girlfriend)
  30. A lady telling me Canadians don’t last long in bed, after juicin' two of them on the trip
  31. A spliff giving me the giggle fits on my last night
  32. Never feeling lonely, though I took the trip solo dolo
  33. “I saw you in that black & white dress the other night. Are you a model?” -Someone’s White Auntie
  34. The love from everyone who made my trip memorable as I said goodbye.
  35. This glorious suntan, along with 137 mosquito bites

WHAT A TRIP! ☺️☺️☺️

K to the...

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Bifcake Chronicles: Same Sh*t, Different Toilet

What I have been going through the past 4-5 weeks is similar to what one experiences in a physically abusive relationship.

Your partner hits you.
They see you're hurt.
They apologize, say they will do better
Then the following week, you're watching what you say or do so you don't provoke him
Yet, your partner hits you again
They see you're hurt.
They apologize, say they will do better.
Then the following week, you're watching what you say or do so you don't provoke him

Replace those hits with insecurities projected on to you. For weeks I have been walking on eggshells as I try to be there for someone who is adjusting to life. I knew what was I getting myself into, however I was secure enough in myself to handle it. However, me being secure couldn't stop those "hits" though. No matter how much I compromised...it was never enough.

So, he says "Goodbye forever," however I'm supposed to respond to texts and phone calls with the same empty ass apology, afterwards? I should consider at least being friends with someone who said he didn't want to be my friend? Continue to be there for someone who doesn't fully appreciate all that I, along with everyone else who cares, had done for him?

Why would I want to go back to that? What makes he or anyone else thinks he deserves me as a friend right now...or ever again?

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

I'm back to being sane.

K to the...

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Cubicle Chronicles: No Fines Here

I really think it’s rude when people walk in the office and don’t say good morning.

Especially if they are your coworkers.

And y’all in the same department that consists of only 4 people.

And nobody drinks coffee, so the “I need my coffee first” excuse can’t be used.

This is what I deal with every day with one of my coworkers. Unless he has a question, he’ll walk by my desk multiple times a day*, and not utter a word to me. He easily speaks to my other coworker, Ditzy Daisy (who started with him a year and a half ago), and the ladies that sit across the aisle from us who are part of another department.

Also, he’s is just like Issa’s whispering coworker on “Awkward Black Girl.” So, not only do you act like I slept with you last night**, but I have to stop breathing to hear what you’re saying, too?!

Dis tew much.

Before Mr. Whisper In Your Ear and Ditzy Daisy arrived, our team dynamic was great! Now? Not so much. And I've stopped trying to make it better. Now that I’ve realized there is a generational gap between my coworkers and I (30s vs late 40s/early 50s), the differences between how they work vs how I work are making more sense to me. You want to ask someone in another department for help, causing them to vent to me about how much you’ve annoyed them in the past hour because you didn't ask me for help? Cool!

Not speak to me? Super!

I’m just here so I don’t get fined.

K to the…

*Though I can’t see him walk by my desk, I can hear him due to whatever he has in his pockets that jingles.
**When I didn’t say good morning to my grandmother a kid, she would say “Did I sleep with you last night?” I still don't get it, Mei-Mei! I‘ve said good morning to people the morning after I’ve slept w-…wait, what are we talking about here?

Monday, July 24, 2017

Bifcake Chronicles: Will There Be One?

If you are friends with me on social media, you will notice there are certain friends with whom I spend the majority of my time. There are six of us in the Chicagoland area, including my g-babies’ auntie,  and a friend who stays in Florida. Amongst the six of us here, two are married, one is getting married in the Fall, another is in the process of being a homeowner with her beau, and another one is in the process of no longer describing her relationship as “long-distance.”

None of the ladies in the previous, long-ass sentence describes yours truly.


The one who is moving away (DJ) has been my rider. Because her beau doesn’t reside here and she doesn’t have kids, she can just get up and go when an idea pops up in either of our heads. But with her leaving, who will be the person I can call on when I just want to get up and go? As an introvert, I have no problem doing things by myself. But sometimes, I want someone I know to roll with me, ya know?

While walking back to the car after a museum visit and some good grubbing, I told DJ that I need someone I can hang with. If there is an adult night and the husbands/beaus/and soon-to-be wife are around, I want to have someone to roll with me so I’m not looking like the nth wheel AGAIN. I want to take a walk downtown and just enjoy the city; or eat some fancy shmancy food at a place I've never been (he doesn't have to pay - we can split the bill); or go to the movies to check out that new [insert Director's name here] movie; or simply chill at the lakefront.

Basically, I just want some company.

Will there be one?

K to the…

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Bifcake Chronicles: The Womens Too?

“Nobody can walk by with me without dancing with me”
-Someone’s auntie to me at Chosen Few Picnic

I have noticed in the past year that I have had men AND women trying to spit that game. Anybody who knows me knows I don’t care about hanging with my peeps who are part of the LGBTQ community. So, if someone attempts to holla after seeing with whom I was just conversing, I get it. I don’t know what made your auntie holla at me at the picnic because I was walking around solo dolo looking for my peeps.

The locs?

The crop top?

No idea.

Am I offended when women try to holla? Nope. It actually boosts my ego a little because I know that not only can I get yo daddy…I COULD GET YO AUNTIE TOO, IF I WANTED HER!!!


Just joshing guys.

Only about getting your auntie, though.

I’m not joking about getting your daddy.

Especially if he has a salt and pepper beard.

I’ll gladly be your new step-mother.

Bless up.

K to the…

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Year of the 3-5

**Is this really my first post of 2017? Shame on me!**

A goal of mine for 2017 was to travel to at least one place I’ve never been each quarter. For Q1, that place was Houston, TX. For Q2, I wanted to hit up The DR. However, due to moving expenses (yeah...again. *eyeroll*) and a necessary uninsured dental procedure...there won't be a Q2 trip.

Probably no Q3 trip, as well.

So I've modified my goal for the Year of the 3-5. Instead of traveling to places I’ve never been, I’m going to do things in my city that I've never done before. During my birthday trip in Philly, we spent hours at Philadelphia Museum of Art (after running the steps like Rocky). However, I have never been to the Art Institute of Chicago. How, Sway?! I recently visited an exhibit the Museum of Science & Industry has had every year since 1970 (WHET!?) showcasing African-American artists. I had no idea that exhibit existed.

Basically, I’m trying to create new experiences in my city for the Year of the 3-5. And step my Chi-town brunch game up.

I’m OK with holding off till Q4 to go some place I’ve never been before. That means I have more time to save for a big auss, dope auss trip.

Let's get it!

K to the...