"And it came to me...like an epiphany..."

*Very personal, so, excuse me.*

Anybody who is on Twitter or Tumblr knows of the vast amount of information that is shared on a daily basis.  Whether it's someone sharing their personal issues or just sharing what's going on in the world.  Well, yesterday, I read a post on Tumblr from someone who is dealing with depression and it made me think.

I don't suffer from depression, but I've been in a relationship with someone who dealt with depression.  I, personally, don't know how it feels to deal with depression; but I know I wanted to be there for him when he was feeling down.  I wanted him to tell me what was wrong.  I wanted to be the one who held him in my scrawny arms, kissed him on the forehead and said "I'm here."  After awhile, I learned certain behaviors of those who'd suffer from depression.  There was one that bothered me the most: not wanting to be around others, including significant others.  It made me feel useless, but I respected his wishes.

So yesterday, when I was reading that person's post, I had an epiphany about myself.  I HATE not being able to help the ones I love.  And I don't mean, someone asking for $20 and I only have $3; I'm talking deeper than that. 

Hating that I can't help others ties into one of the negative qualities I possess...which is being controlling.  This "controlling" part of me only shows in certain situations; other than that, I am a very patient person (See: celibacy and going natural. You can't be impatient going through this! hahaha).  But, when it comes to certain things I have ABSOLUTELY no control over...not so much.  And, I've been working on it.

This epiphany hit me while I was walking to lunch yesterday, and I felt so much better after acknowledging it.  The more self-evaluating I do, the more things start to make sense.  Just another part of growing up, I guess.

K to the...

Ok, We Get It: Part deux

It's that time, ladies and gents...dogs, cats, and babies!  If you read Part 1, then you already know how it goes.  So here we go!

Ok, we get it…you don’t like Lil Wayne.

Ok, we get it…you think Carter IV is garbage.

Ok, we get it…you think Drake has a vagina.

Ok, we get it…Jesus is more important to you than finding out Beyonce is pregnant.

Ok, we get it…you don’t give a solitary f*** about ANYTHING in life because you have way more important things to worry about.

Ok, we get it…head would be nice in the morning.

Ok, we get it…Jay-Z and Kanye flaunts their riches while the country is going broke.

Ok, we get it…”Watch The Throne” was overhyped.

Ok, we get it…football is back.

Ok, we get it…you hate football.

Ok, we get it…while I sleep, you grind.

Ok, we get it…you’re [insert all positives attributes here] but can’t figure out why you’re still single.

Ok, we get it…your astrology sign is the only one that loves, has friends, or is the best at sex.

*These next few were addressed in Part 1. Obviously, people are STILL talking about it.*

Ok, we get it…Black women are [insert negative adjective here]

Ok, we get it…you’re natural.

Anything else I miss?

K to the…

Hear My Call

Here I am again asking questions,
Waiting to be moved.
I am so unsure of my perception,
What I thought I knew I don't seem to
Where is the turn so I can get back to what I believe in?
Back to the old me and

God, please hear my call.
I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw
I need your healing
Please, please, please.

I am such a fool
How did I get here?
Played by all the rules
Then they changed
I am but a child to your vision
Standing in the cold and the rain
Lost here in the dark
I can't see my foot to take a step,
What is happening?
Oh, this hurts so bad. I can hardly breathe.
I just want to leave so...

God, please hear my call.
I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw
I need your healing
Please,
God, please hear my call.
I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw
I need your healing
Please, please, oh, please, please.

God please hear my call.
I am afraid.
Love has turned me cold,
I need your healing.
Please, please, please, please, please, please.


-Jill Scott - "Hear My Call"


God has laughed at all of my plans (word to Foreign Exchange) the past couple of months.  But you know what...I'm still here...


Taking it one day at a time...


I WILL get through all of this.

#DatComfortWeight

The comfort weight struggle is real, in the streets, people!

Prior to my current relationship, I was 138lbs; well within my usual range of 135lbs - 140lbs. Then, I got comfortable. I wasn't being a bum and sitting around eating gyros and fries with mild sauce all day. Tempting, but no. I just didn't have a regular workout routine and I hooped sparingly.

When I joined a new gym, I was given a body assessment and boy were my feelings hurt. I was up to 147lbs, and the measurements I had when I bought my bridesmaid dress back in September or October had changed. I thought it was a fraud. However, I noticed my clothes weren’t fitting the same. Unless you’ve seen me naked or gave birth to me (she notices EVERYTHING about me), you wouldn’t have notice all of these changes. I gave away bags of clothes because I just didn’t feel comfortable in them; though they still fit me. Plus, I was moving and it was time for me to get rid of some clothes, anyway.

After that body assessment, I was committed to getting back in the gym like I used to. I wasn’t really focused on losing weight…just toning up and being healthy. In April, I had moved closer to my gym, so there was no excuse to be “lazy”. I went hard in April because I had that bridesmaid dress to fit in…COMFORTABLY. As a bridesmaid, it's important that I am able to eat and juke without feeling like I have to change out of that dress. Priorities, people! :-) Well, May 20th came, and the dress felt great on me.

The wedding festivities were over, but I kept the party going and continued to workout and hoop more. It helps having a beau who hoops on the regular. :-) So here I am, writing to you weighing 140lbs, as of yesterday morning. And I feel great.

Moral of the story? Playas f*** up!

LOL J/k

Ain't no moral. Just gotta keep on living. ;-)

K to the...

Taking the car out of neutral...

[Excuse the foul language and the touch of rambling. I'm fed up.]

From as long as I can remember, I have always been the “neutral party” when a friend of mine has gotten into with another friend. There was one instance in high school, A messed with B’s crush. I remember this ish vividly. I told B what A did, and A stopped talking to me altogether. So who looked like the bad person? ME, though I wasn’t the one being a tool found in Home Depot. Ever since, I listen to both sides of a story, but I won't go back and tell what one party said about the other.

But, today, I’m totally rethinking this neutral shit. Recently, I was given the cold shoulder by one party, and sub-tweeted by another. It’s obvious everyone doesn’t have the same mentality I have, hasn’t been through the same shit I’ve been through, and aren’t the same age as me. During undergrad, I held a lot of ish in when I would get upset because I don’t like conflict and I am such an introvert. I have a “think first, speak second” mentality; and the times when I would lash out without thinking, I’d felt like crap afterwards. It’s just who I am. I guess I should blame my zodiac sign, but I don’t know the qualities of folk who are under my new zodiac sign, Ophucurself*.

But anyway, I’d wait until anger would really build up inside of me, and then confront someone…months later. I know, wacktastical. But as I’ve gotten older, and realizing that worry lines in my face take away from my youthful looks, I speak up. That’s what adults do. If I have a question about something that’s bothering me, I’m going to ask. These experiences have molded me into the person I am today.

So the gear has been shifted from “Neutral” to “Drive” and I’m moving on from this bullshit.

Cuz for the umpteenth time in the past 3 years of my life, I’m guilty by ASSociation and ASSumptions.

Because I chose to be a friend.

K to the…

*I don't mess with that new sign astrologically, though.

"[S]he had game cuz [s]he used to hoop in Chatham..."

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love to play ball. When I was in grammar school, I said I'd be the first girl in the NBA.

Then the WNBA was established. So, in high school, I said that I would go to the WNBA. But, my senior year of high school, I wasn't recruited by any colleges to play ball. That didn't stop me. I tried out for the women's team when I got to Bradley University, and made it! But because I wasn't recruited and I was joining the team after my classes were chosen, I couldn't make all of the practices. So, I let that go and focused on living the college life and graduating. I still played when I got a chance.

A couple of years after I graduated, Chicago got a WNBA team! I was so excited, I emailed the team, inquiring about tryouts. But, due to the expansion (I believe), they weren't having any tryouts. It seems at this point, I had finally let the hoop dream go.

Well, yesterday I found out the Sky had tryouts for the upcoming season. I was so sad that I missed them. Though WNBA players don't get paid NEARLY as much as NBA players, it has to feel good to get paid for doing something you love! Even if it is for a few months out of the year.

What if I didn't make the team? Well, at least I could say that I tried, ya know.

So, I'll continue to work on my game like I've been doing. But, please believe, the next time I hear about tryouts, I'm in there like booty hair!

K to the...

Cubicle Chronicles 5.5.11

**Happy Cinco de Mayo!**

As a child, if I woke up and didn’t say “good morning,” my grandmother would hit me with the, “I didn’t sleep with you last night!” So, it’s nothing for me to say good morning to people. It’s not that I’m a morning person…it’s just me being courteous.

So, I was walking past this consistently-rude-auss this morning when I got to work.

I said good morning.

He said nothing.

Whatever.

So I keep walking towards my desk; jacket and sunglasses still on with newspaper in hand.

NOW he wants to speak to me.

About resolving an issue that was already resolved last month.

You can’t say good morning, but you wanna talk to me about work?!

Before I even get to my desk?!

Have a seat!

K to the...