Cubicle Chronicles: Mind Ya Damn Business Edition

Today's installment is about Smart Auss Sally. I believe I referenced her in April's Cubicle Chronicles.

Today, I walked in the gig pretty much on time. Had my bagel, was heading to the kitchen to get some of Lipton's finest. Why is it when I'm heading to the kitchen, someone wants to say some reckless ish to me?

One of my co-workers is a fellow Greek, a Lady of the Crimson and Creme. She and I were discussing a step show and a skating party the Men of the Black and Old Gold have every year. So, I told her I went last year and there were alot of men there; not necessarily men in our age group, but a lot of men.

So I head to the kitchen, and behind me is Smart Auss Sally.

What does she say?

"But you got a man!"

I'm in a relationship, but I'm not blind, heaux! I know what the hell I have! If I recognize men in the place, I'm going to acknowledge men in the place.

MIND YA GAT DAYUM BUSINESS!!!!

UGH, these nosy auss people make me sick!

K to the...

Hate & Basketball

What up yall! Welcome to the 2nd blogpost of the day. :-)

This is the 2nd installment in my chronicles on the court entitled "Hate & Basketball". I thought it would be ideal to share with my 5 readers my experiences at the gym.

Today, we're going to focus on the different types of guys I encounter at the gym.

1. The "Young Meat"

This is usually a young phallus-carrier between the ages of 16 and 23. He tries to holla, lowkey. It starts with a little flirting while on the court with me, then when I'm sitting down, he comes over and 99.999% of the time, the convo goes like this:

YM: What h.s. you go to?
Me: I graduated
YM: What college you go to?
Me: I graduated

2. The "Coach"

I put this in quotation marks because this person isn't a damn coach. He usually falls in the "Young Meat" category; but he feels that because he has a phallus, he has better knowledge of the game. Whereas, I have a vagina and don't know what I'm doing, besides run and make sure I dribble. He's usually the one saying:

"You've got to shoot more. Don't hesitate, just let it ride."
"I'm gonna set a screen for you and you're gonna shoot it"
"Let's run a play...Computer Blue"

Ok, maybe not the last line, but you get the point. How bout you shut up! I've been playing longer than you've been on Earth.

3. The "Underestimator"

Just this past Tuesday, my team was on a winning streak. During the 1st game, I was a bit sluggish since I hadn't hooped in over a month and was extra lax while on the court. So this "Young Meat" gets on the court and say "I'm gonna stick the girl. She's only gonna shoot...not much running around."

Ha!

I ran dude all over the court...and jizzed on him, dropping 3s all in his face.

4. The "Whiner"

This is the dude who is constantly complaining. I mean, I'm 5'6"...135lbs. You damn right I'm moving out the way when 6'12"...185lbs is charging towards the hoop, knees up. Negro gon' tell me "step in front him". What, and have a mastectomy & hysterectomy? I like my mams and uterus, thank you very much.

Every trip to the court has me either cracking up or side-eyeing until my ocular muscles can't take it anymore. But I love it...and I love the game. *shrug*

K to the...

That's That Bull Thursday

Good morning world,

The title of today's post is exactly how I felt when I woke up this morning.

Why?

Well let me tell you.

Yesterday, I had a pretty good day. Went to the doctor, picked up Mothers' Day gifts for mom and grandmother, filled up the tank and went grocery shopping. I had a very productive day outside of work.

So, if you follow me on Twitter, then you know I'm taking a tap dance class and we meet on Tuesdays. Well, this week, we did this exercise off of Jamiroquai's "Corner of the Earth" and I had been playing the song all day! When I got home, I figured I'd get a lil practice in before settling down for the night.

So, I get in the crib with all my groceries, throw on my tap shoes and I figure I'd go in for a good 4 minutes. So I'm in the kitchen, tapping....

And I see a dark blur run past my foot.

That's right.

A damn mouse!

I pause in my tracks like "That's a damn mouse!"

So, I call my mom...hysterical! I mean, I'm crying telling her it's a mouse in my apartment. Anybody who’s ever been to my crib knows I don’t leave food sitting out. The only things that’ll be out are shoes and clothes when I’m too lazy to hang them up.

I call building maintenance and let them know it's a mouse in my apartment. They say they will come by with glue traps tomorrow. Tomorrow? Uh ruh...the mouse is here TONIGHT!

After I get off the phone…do you know this little focker ran out about 2-3 more times. I screamed everytime I saw him. I mean, you just gon come out...with the lights on like you own the place? I need to ask this little focker for rent.

Below are a few of my tweets last night. Thank God for sense of humor. My twitfam’s and bff’s responses to this unfortunate situation only made it even funnier!

-I've been living here for two years! My apt is clean...so I'm just blown.
-Dammit I just seen it again!!! I screamed and it ran in my closet. I wanna cry...wait...I did when I was on the phone with my mom!!! lol
-ITS IN MY LINEN CLOSET. JESUS BE A MOUSETRAP. I CANT STAY HERE TONIGHT!!!
-HE JUST RAN IN ONE OF MY GROCERY BAGS. I just bought that damn cantalope...2 for $4. This lil nigga gots ta go!!!
-This lil nigga is playing me for a fool...disrespectful! My mom is on her way...bldg maint talmbout tomorrow. hell naw!
-I'm standing here in my tap shoes by the front door like a lil bish. I dont do roaches and rodents!
-I'm tryna be calm...but when I calm down, thats when Ben wanna show up again. I'm scared to put away my groceries!
-I'm all for glue traps..but who's gonna throw that bitch out when it gets stuck?!? ME?!?
-I was having such a good day...WTF!!!

So my mom came with some mouse traps last night. We put them out and I slept at her crib…in lil sis’s bed…on the Spongebob Squarepants sheets.

“Absorbant and yellow and porous is he!”

I just called building maintenance to make sure they close up all the holes in the apartment. I told him I didn’t sleep at the crib and the guy asks why?

WHY?

O__o

Hopefully the bastard is gone when I get home. If not, who has an extra bedroom at their crib?

Or who wants to cuddle with me? I swear I won’t fart on you.

K to the…

Cubicle Chronicles 4.29.10

Good morning, ladies, gents, dogs cats, babies, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego!

It's about that time for another installment of the Cubicle Chronicles, the "Hey NuNu" edition.

There are a couple people here at the gig who I know not to say much to because I can see the invisible "Hi, my name is SNITCH" name tag they wear. Yeah, I see invisible stuff.

So in the morning, whenever I go in the break room to get my tea, if it's one of two ladies in there...I know I'm going to walk out the room with my eyes to the ceiling like "Lord, I know you're testing my patience". Well today, one of the two was in there and I just HAD to share this story.

We'll call this lady Sherlock Holme-Girl,

You know, after you see someone on the regular and speak, you ask their name so you can actually give a formal greeting instead of just saying "Hi". Well, Sherlock Holme-Girl, asked my name one day and I guess from there she thought we were just friends till the end.

NOT!

See this lady works in the department that sits behind us. EVERYone, in my opinion, is a snitch in that department. Even the lady who asked how I did my hair yesterday. She might snitch to the natural gods or som'n...I don't know. So anywho, for about a week, I would always see Sherlock Holme-girl in the bathroom around 4p. I started noticing her questions were a bit too much:

"You getting ready to go home?"

"What time are you leaving?"

"Yall can leave early on Fridays?"

"You going to Orland to do some shoppin?"

GET SOME BIDNESS!

So today was the ultimate nosiness for me. I mean, she made me think "I know my life ain't that interesting to her." I didn't stop to get breakfast this morn, so I said I'd get a pastry out the vending machine. Well, Sherlock Holme-Girl was in the breakroom and this morning's events go as follow:

Me: *walks in* Good morning
SH-G: Good morning, girl it's almost Friday
Me: Yeah I know *walks to vending machine*
SH-G: Getting something out the vending machine?
Me: Yeah
*then she walks OVER to the damn vending machine, stands behind me*
SH-G: Oh you getting a pop tart?
Me: Yeah, I didn't get breakfast
SH-G: *walks back to whatever the hell she was doing before*
*Here comes Smart Auss Sally entering stage right*
SAS: Now, I know you're not getting any candy.
Me: A Pop Tart is breakfast food
SAS: Oh I was about to say...just cuz you're little doesnt mean you can eat junk food for breakfast
SH-G: Girl if I eat a Pop Tart, I'd blow up.
Me: *thinking* "BOTH OF YALL SHUT YOUR FAT AUSSES UP!!!" *grabs tea* *leaves*

*SIGH*

It's always something...

K to the...

P.S. I don't like calling people "fat"...but when you come at my size like I'm anorexic and you don't even know ish about me, I get defensive.

P.P.S. My coworker is still saying my cousin is watching him in my pic. o_O

P.P.S.S. My co-worker, low-key, tried to call my cousin gay. "He's 36, not married, no kids...red flag!" He isn't gay...you just want him to be gay so you can have him. Go get some bidness!

Cubicle Chronicles 1.7.10

Good [insert your current time of day] everyone!

This week has been a trying week here at the gig. So instead of me just being the usual K to the..., I now have to show these people why there are three letters behind my name in my email signature.

So for this installment in cubicle chronicles, the subject is communication?

Maintain a CYA file!
Having a Cover Your Auss file is muy importante in the the world of email today. Just yesterday, a lady told my mgr she didn't receive a file from me. I politely checked my sent folder...and FORWARDED the original email to her. Of course, she hits me with some wack excuse! Let me just point out the original email was sent to my mgr as well, so he could have spoke up for me (yeah right). But he didn't recognize I sent the email because *wait for it* he doesn't read...which leads me to...

I "CC:" you looking, witcho lookin' auss
There are times when I receive emails in which I've been CC'ed. The email may not be necessarily for me, but ya know, it's for me to have as reference. Well, yesterday big boss sends an email to my mgr, but copies me. I read it, understood it, on to the next email (Hov!). Today, my mgr forwards me the same email. READING IS FUNDAMENTAL!!! If you had read over the entire email, you would have seen that I received this email already.

I say again, READING IS FUNDAMENTAL!!!
So my co-workers and I, being the smart ausses we are cuz we're fed up with b.s., have signs that say "LUNCH" that hang on our cubicles when we're eating lunch at our desk. So, I'm sitting here chillin, reading the news, flossing after eating some chips that were death to my taste buds. Here comes Ditzy Magee walking pass my desk. She sees the sign and the convo goes as follows: DM: What does this say? (Sidenote: The sign is in English)
Me: *turns around with floss pick hanging from mouth* It says "LUNCH"
DM: Oh as in you're on lunch, well I'll just come back when you're done
Me: *Thinking: NO bring yo auss now, so I won't have to see you later* No, it's ok, what is your question?
She then proceeds to say as I'm helping her "I don't want to interrupt."

*sigh*

Well, my lunch is officially over, and I just took my sign down. I supposedly sit on the Internet and talk on the phone ALL DAY...so let me get back to what I do. If I'm gonna be a slacker...might as well be great at it!

Feel free to share any chronicles you may have...or techniques on how I can take these people out handle these situations...

Besides from laughing at these fools!

K to the...

Cubicle Chronicles 12.21.9

Good morning everyones and everyones.

Some of you know...I work for a nonprofit organization in the city of Shick-a-go! We're kinda a big deal...fa real. So I take what I do seriously as Senior Queen Princess Duchess of Grant Accounting Greatness.

Anywho, my job moved downtown in October and I have returned to the land of cubicles. No biggie for me, because I've worked in an open area before. But it's pret-ty OBVIOUS some of my coworkers haven't been in Cubicle Land before and was spoiled by the offices we all used to have.

[The previous location was in a hospital dorm. The rooms were converted to offices, so there were 1-2 people in each office.]

So today's post is summary of what I've encountered since being back in Cubicle Land.

1. Run me that number!
When we moved, all the fax machines weren't set-up. I was assigned a fax number, but had no fax machine to go with it. So I go to another fax machine to receive an important fax. I asked the lady who sits by the fax machine for the fax number and the lady told me she couldn't give it to me. Um, lady...this ain't YO fax machine. Run me that damn number. I ended up getting number from someone else. Maybe she just didn't like me cuz my name rhymes with hers and my lips are pink...whereas hers, black rose. *Kanye shrug*

2. Knock before entering
I have a thing about personal space. So when you wanna come around showing me pics of your bald-headed two-year old (pointing out the fact that she's bald-headed, even though I overlooked that), don't be coming up on me whispering sour nothings in my ear talkin' bout "look at my baby!" You betta announce yourself or get clapped up!

3. I can smell that
When I sit down at my desk, I can barely see over the walls, which is cool. The walls block my sight, but they fa damn sho don't block my sense of smell. Folk be spraying air freshener like others cant smell it. And they don't just spray a little...they spray ALOT! Or maybe it seems like a lot because I have a strong nose. Either way, I smell it.

4. Snitches get stitches
My seat isn't too far from the lunchroom. But with the heat being on, and music playing in my left ear...I don't hear much from a far. Well, one day, it got a little loud in the lunchroom...and some lady who isn't even supposed to be sitting on our floor got up and told the folk in the lunchroom they need to lower their voice cuz folk were working. Well, I guess it happened again last week...and the same woman (I'm pretty sure it was her) went to HR...resulting in an email being sent to everyone in our building. Next time I overhear her phone conversation, arguing about some nonsensicality...I'm telling HR!

5. Ay, can you just shut up!
Anyone who knows me knows my career of choice does NOT match my personality. At work, I am quiet...I say good morning, have a little chit chat, but that's it. I have alot of associates and friends, Therefore, not acquiring more at work doesn't hurt my life. So, I don't wanna hear "Imma make you talk"...cuz Imma give yo auss a blank stare, ok?

Well folk...that's just a snippet. I haven't even talked about my constant pain in the auss here at the gig. My nerves obviously regenerate themselves because this dude always seems to be working the last one!

Anywho, till the next Cubicle Chronicles..."you stay classy San Diego."

K to the...

P.S. This post was bought to you by CTA bus route #26. It wasn't packed, so I was able to type without folk looking all in my phone.

Mystery Monday 11.30.9

Good morning all!

I was on some true ignant ish last night and was tweeting my thoughts of the BET Awards 2009 Winter Edition bka the Soul Train Awards.

But after watching the awards last night, I can't help but to wonder. So maybe you wonderfer people can help me out.

Ready?

Seady?

How can a show that hasn't come in years have an awards show?
How can the person who is the creator of the show NOT be at the awards show?
Why won't Debra Lee go sit down?

That is all. Happy Monday!

P.S. The anniversary of me arriving on earth this week...countdown is ON, snitchessssssssss!

P.P.S. Follow me on Twitter...KDW824

P.P.S.S. Nothing, just wanted to type "P.P.S.S."

Thoughtless Tuesday 11.3.09

These thoughtless thoughts on this Tuesday are brought to you by Dunkin Donuts hot chocolate. America runs on it because there’s crack in it!

Ya know what…I pulled that Left Eye costume off better than I thought I would. Ion’t care what anyone says. I wish I had the bright color pants…but the aura was there!

Ya know what…there’s a reason you’re a former (ex b/f, ex boo, ex dipetc) so there’s no need for you to keep tabs on my love life. Yo initials ain't "LP", so get some business.

Ya know what…anyone with whom you can have the most random convos…from different types of turds to the “tackle and berries” ratio is definitely a BFF, like “LP”. Lol

Ya know what…you ain’t right for sending pics of your phallus to my email…and then a month later you’re engaged. Isn’t that being kinda rude to your g/f-turned-fiancée?

Ya know what…if you’re on the verge of getting your AARP card and you tryna start s#!t over the internet…go sit yo auss down, file for your SSI before you break your damn hip. Leave that for the under 21 crowd. Twitter, nor facebook, makes you hard cuz you, unlike a real man, won’t say ish when I’m in your face!

Ya know what…you ain’t right, C. Breezy for that album cover. It’s “wiggity wack”, which leads to..

Ya know what…where the hell is Kris Kross?

Ya know what…730a is too early for you to be on the phone, talking loud on the CTA about “You tryna go smoke…you only got $3?”

Ya know what…the nonverbal ALWAYS speak louder than the verbals. Just ask the little negroid who I shut up…twice…on the court yesterday without saying a word.

Ya know what…there comes a point when your sorors aren’t just sorors anymore. You actually consider them to be your friends…and I’ve experienced that with quite a few of my sorors.

Ya know what…I really wish my coworker would stop laughing when he’s telling a story. It’s never funny… and causes me to look at him like this…expressionless!

How grant reports are funny, Ion’t know. Maybe he reads em in a comedian voice. *Kanye shrug*

Ya know what…I have the biggest crush on my dance instructor, I can barely give him eye contact in class. I love a dark-skinned man with fresh locs. My instructor is light-skinned with a bald head. *swoons*

Ya know what…it annoys me when I can’t listen to music on the bus without adjusting my earplugs every 3 minutes. The hole leading to my ear canal is too small. *pause* lol Get ya mind out the gutter…

Ya know what…being complimented by a man with no ulterior motive is the best thing in the world. I was called gorgeous this morning as I grabbed the crack known as Dunkin Donuts' hot chocolate.

Ya know what…I might feel, at times, like strangling one of my exes, but being forced to watch football when we were together and listen to him sound like the adults on Charlie Brown when talking about fantasy football made me appreciate the sport even more. And seeing those toight booties in the toight pants being toight like a tiger isn’t bad either. *drools*

Ya know what…if I don’t get back to Nawlins ASAP, it’s gonna be trouble!

Ya know what…I have my own clippers and I line my neck every two weeks because the clippers my beautician uses makes my neck look like she was playing tic tac toe on my neck.

Ya know what…Twitter really is the devil. But it keeps me entertained!

Ya know what…I think my job needs to get a fb page, so then fb won’t be blocked at the job. I mean, they’re on Twitter! *side eye*

Ya know what…my birthday is a month away, and I don’t know what I’m gonna do.

Ya know what…next time a homeless person asks me for $.75, I’m gonna give a $1. And if they ask the next person for $.75, I’m taking my damn dollar back. Just call me an “Indian giver.”

Ya know what…looks definitely AREN’T everything! I almost reverted back to a former, but thought about the b-a-ness displayed, and decided to just leave that alone. Lol

Ya know what…it seems to be perfectly normal to spend $8 on lunch in downtown Shick-A-Go. I can’t go…not EVERYday! Gonna have to pick a Hot Pocket, son!

Ya know what…lady, we’re in the same room, so lower ya d@mn voice. Running up my light bill.

Ya know what…the meeting was scheduled to be over at 12:30p. You still asking questions at 12:43p. Shat up!

Ya know what...I think I somewhat cussed at my mom on Sunday. She explained a situation to me and I was like “So you almost sharted on yourself?” Now, we all know what a shart is…so, yeah…I think I kinda sorta maybe but not really cussed at my mom. lol

Ya know what...I'm done!

K to the...