"Oh, that golden rule."

Today’s blogpost is on my number 1 rule in life.

What is this rule you ask? Well, it’s quite simple.

SHUT THE HELL UP!

Following this simple rule will have you going places in life, son!

A) You don’t have to lie
If I don’t have to share info, then I won’t. When you share info, folk get curious and wanna ask questions. And if you don’t want folk to know certain details, you do one of two things: a) You lie, or; ii) you just shut the hell up.

“I'll go with ‘Shut The Hell Up,' for $500 Alex!”

2) You keep your friends
I had to end a “best friend”-ship because someone went and told my business and it got back to me. If I wanted other folk to know my business, I would have *wait for it* told them myself! Trust is an important factor with dealing with ships (friend and relation). You break it, you buy…the ship is severely compromised.

Also, who wants to be friends with someone who cant hold water if they were a camel with six humps? "Not I," said the poodle cat.

iii) You have inside jokes
Inside jokes can be so rude, but that doesn’t mean it ain’t funny to the insiders. I have an inside joke right now and when I type it, only one other person will get it. (I need to make sure she reads this post)

“Cervical jewelry”

You think you know what this is about, but you really don’t. Will the inside joke ever been outside? No! Why?

Because we shut the hell up!

d) You won't be ignored
I don't know about yall, but I hate being ignored. Whether it's being ignored by friends, or the mice who were in my apt acting as if I wasn't there as they snacked on the peanut butter that was in the mouse traps. *shrug* Sometimes, believe it or not, folk don't really care about certain ish that's going on in your life. If folk ask, then, obviously, they're curious and want to know. If not....then I'll just...ya know...

Shut the hell up!

So what have we learned, today, ladies and gentlemen?

I'm not telling you a damn thang! lol

"Now run and tell dat, homeboy!"

K to the...

P.S. The title of the post is the title of an Episode of The Wire from Season 4. Pop culture for the muthaluving win!

Hate & Basketball

What up yall! Welcome to the 2nd blogpost of the day. :-)

This is the 2nd installment in my chronicles on the court entitled "Hate & Basketball". I thought it would be ideal to share with my 5 readers my experiences at the gym.

Today, we're going to focus on the different types of guys I encounter at the gym.

1. The "Young Meat"

This is usually a young phallus-carrier between the ages of 16 and 23. He tries to holla, lowkey. It starts with a little flirting while on the court with me, then when I'm sitting down, he comes over and 99.999% of the time, the convo goes like this:

YM: What h.s. you go to?
Me: I graduated
YM: What college you go to?
Me: I graduated

2. The "Coach"

I put this in quotation marks because this person isn't a damn coach. He usually falls in the "Young Meat" category; but he feels that because he has a phallus, he has better knowledge of the game. Whereas, I have a vagina and don't know what I'm doing, besides run and make sure I dribble. He's usually the one saying:

"You've got to shoot more. Don't hesitate, just let it ride."
"I'm gonna set a screen for you and you're gonna shoot it"
"Let's run a play...Computer Blue"

Ok, maybe not the last line, but you get the point. How bout you shut up! I've been playing longer than you've been on Earth.

3. The "Underestimator"

Just this past Tuesday, my team was on a winning streak. During the 1st game, I was a bit sluggish since I hadn't hooped in over a month and was extra lax while on the court. So this "Young Meat" gets on the court and say "I'm gonna stick the girl. She's only gonna shoot...not much running around."

Ha!

I ran dude all over the court...and jizzed on him, dropping 3s all in his face.

4. The "Whiner"

This is the dude who is constantly complaining. I mean, I'm 5'6"...135lbs. You damn right I'm moving out the way when 6'12"...185lbs is charging towards the hoop, knees up. Negro gon' tell me "step in front him". What, and have a mastectomy & hysterectomy? I like my mams and uterus, thank you very much.

Every trip to the court has me either cracking up or side-eyeing until my ocular muscles can't take it anymore. But I love it...and I love the game. *shrug*

K to the...

Introducing...

Hey guys!

It's unofficially the summer here in the Chi. The hoodrats are out and the White Castle on 79th St. has been jumping.

That's right...summertime Chi!

Well, summertime seems to be when I hoop more than usual. I'm not being vain, but being one of the only cute, look-like-a-female females who be hooping at the Y, I encounter alot of guys trying to hit on me.

From 15 (yeah, I said it) to almost 40.

I decided I would blog share with my 4 readers what I see/hear/encounter when I'm at the gym. So ladies and gents, I introduce to you...

"Lust and Basketball"

Today's post starts with a guy who just doesn't take no for answer. We'll call him Possum Aloysius...or P.A. for short.

I've had my membership at this particular YMCA since 2005. I think I met P.A. back in 2006. This is when I was in my friendly stage. Ya know...give a guy number if he asks...chit chat on the phone as friends.

Well, P.A. was starting to become a bit too possessive for me. I mean, would get upset if I'm conversing with another guy while waiting for my "next"...or go play 1-on-1 with someone else (Will save the 1-on-1 stories for another post). Sir, you've never seen me in anything besides a Bradley Athletics t-shirt, shorts and Nike Shox. Go satcho auss down, nah!

Anywho, P.A. start getting a little crazy...talking to me any type of way, so I ignored his auss! He'll call...I wouldn't answer. After a while, he got a clue. *Praise Moses*

Fast forward to Spring 2009, I see him at the gym. He had moved to Iowa, but was still in Chicago on the weekends or...som'n. I don't remember...which shows how much I cared, right? Anywho, he apologize for what happened in '06 and then tried to make his move, asking if we can try again.

Try what, sir?

Um...no.

Fast forward to last month. Now when I see him, it's annoying. Everywhere I am, he just so happens to be near me. I'm sitting on the floor, dripping in sweat waiting for the next game, here he comes to talk to the guy running the court about some young negroid who he schooled a few days ago.

Sir, nobody cares.

Below is a conversation that we had the last time I went to hoop. This convo is going on as I'm shooting around, waiting for the next 5 to get on the court (My team was ON on this day)

P.A.: What are you doing when you leave here?
Me: Going to get something to eat, then going home?
P.A.: Can I take you to dinner
Me: No
P.A.: Why not?
Me: Because when I go home, I'm taking a shower, then going to sleep
P.A.: We can go out to eat after you take your shower
Me: No
*sidenote: gym doesn't close till 10. At this point, it's almost 9p*
P.A.: When can I take you out?
Me: I don't want to go out with you
P.A.: Can we exchange numbers again?
Me: No
P.A.: Why not? Because of last time?
Me: I'm just not interested
P.A.: Well, how bout I give you my number, then you can call me if you want.
Me: I guess

I made sure he didn't see me when I left the gym. lol

K to the...

That's That Bull Thursday

Good morning world,

The title of today's post is exactly how I felt when I woke up this morning.

Why?

Well let me tell you.

Yesterday, I had a pretty good day. Went to the doctor, picked up Mothers' Day gifts for mom and grandmother, filled up the tank and went grocery shopping. I had a very productive day outside of work.

So, if you follow me on Twitter, then you know I'm taking a tap dance class and we meet on Tuesdays. Well, this week, we did this exercise off of Jamiroquai's "Corner of the Earth" and I had been playing the song all day! When I got home, I figured I'd get a lil practice in before settling down for the night.

So, I get in the crib with all my groceries, throw on my tap shoes and I figure I'd go in for a good 4 minutes. So I'm in the kitchen, tapping....

And I see a dark blur run past my foot.

That's right.

A damn mouse!

I pause in my tracks like "That's a damn mouse!"

So, I call my mom...hysterical! I mean, I'm crying telling her it's a mouse in my apartment. Anybody who’s ever been to my crib knows I don’t leave food sitting out. The only things that’ll be out are shoes and clothes when I’m too lazy to hang them up.

I call building maintenance and let them know it's a mouse in my apartment. They say they will come by with glue traps tomorrow. Tomorrow? Uh ruh...the mouse is here TONIGHT!

After I get off the phone…do you know this little focker ran out about 2-3 more times. I screamed everytime I saw him. I mean, you just gon come out...with the lights on like you own the place? I need to ask this little focker for rent.

Below are a few of my tweets last night. Thank God for sense of humor. My twitfam’s and bff’s responses to this unfortunate situation only made it even funnier!

-I've been living here for two years! My apt is clean...so I'm just blown.
-Dammit I just seen it again!!! I screamed and it ran in my closet. I wanna cry...wait...I did when I was on the phone with my mom!!! lol
-ITS IN MY LINEN CLOSET. JESUS BE A MOUSETRAP. I CANT STAY HERE TONIGHT!!!
-HE JUST RAN IN ONE OF MY GROCERY BAGS. I just bought that damn cantalope...2 for $4. This lil nigga gots ta go!!!
-This lil nigga is playing me for a fool...disrespectful! My mom is on her way...bldg maint talmbout tomorrow. hell naw!
-I'm standing here in my tap shoes by the front door like a lil bish. I dont do roaches and rodents!
-I'm tryna be calm...but when I calm down, thats when Ben wanna show up again. I'm scared to put away my groceries!
-I'm all for glue traps..but who's gonna throw that bitch out when it gets stuck?!? ME?!?
-I was having such a good day...WTF!!!

So my mom came with some mouse traps last night. We put them out and I slept at her crib…in lil sis’s bed…on the Spongebob Squarepants sheets.

“Absorbant and yellow and porous is he!”

I just called building maintenance to make sure they close up all the holes in the apartment. I told him I didn’t sleep at the crib and the guy asks why?

WHY?

O__o

Hopefully the bastard is gone when I get home. If not, who has an extra bedroom at their crib?

Or who wants to cuddle with me? I swear I won’t fart on you.

K to the…

Cubicle Chronicles 4.29.10

Good morning, ladies, gents, dogs cats, babies, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego!

It's about that time for another installment of the Cubicle Chronicles, the "Hey NuNu" edition.

There are a couple people here at the gig who I know not to say much to because I can see the invisible "Hi, my name is SNITCH" name tag they wear. Yeah, I see invisible stuff.

So in the morning, whenever I go in the break room to get my tea, if it's one of two ladies in there...I know I'm going to walk out the room with my eyes to the ceiling like "Lord, I know you're testing my patience". Well today, one of the two was in there and I just HAD to share this story.

We'll call this lady Sherlock Holme-Girl,

You know, after you see someone on the regular and speak, you ask their name so you can actually give a formal greeting instead of just saying "Hi". Well, Sherlock Holme-Girl, asked my name one day and I guess from there she thought we were just friends till the end.

NOT!

See this lady works in the department that sits behind us. EVERYone, in my opinion, is a snitch in that department. Even the lady who asked how I did my hair yesterday. She might snitch to the natural gods or som'n...I don't know. So anywho, for about a week, I would always see Sherlock Holme-girl in the bathroom around 4p. I started noticing her questions were a bit too much:

"You getting ready to go home?"

"What time are you leaving?"

"Yall can leave early on Fridays?"

"You going to Orland to do some shoppin?"

GET SOME BIDNESS!

So today was the ultimate nosiness for me. I mean, she made me think "I know my life ain't that interesting to her." I didn't stop to get breakfast this morn, so I said I'd get a pastry out the vending machine. Well, Sherlock Holme-Girl was in the breakroom and this morning's events go as follow:

Me: *walks in* Good morning
SH-G: Good morning, girl it's almost Friday
Me: Yeah I know *walks to vending machine*
SH-G: Getting something out the vending machine?
Me: Yeah
*then she walks OVER to the damn vending machine, stands behind me*
SH-G: Oh you getting a pop tart?
Me: Yeah, I didn't get breakfast
SH-G: *walks back to whatever the hell she was doing before*
*Here comes Smart Auss Sally entering stage right*
SAS: Now, I know you're not getting any candy.
Me: A Pop Tart is breakfast food
SAS: Oh I was about to say...just cuz you're little doesnt mean you can eat junk food for breakfast
SH-G: Girl if I eat a Pop Tart, I'd blow up.
Me: *thinking* "BOTH OF YALL SHUT YOUR FAT AUSSES UP!!!" *grabs tea* *leaves*

*SIGH*

It's always something...

K to the...

P.S. I don't like calling people "fat"...but when you come at my size like I'm anorexic and you don't even know ish about me, I get defensive.

P.P.S. My coworker is still saying my cousin is watching him in my pic. o_O

P.P.S.S. My co-worker, low-key, tried to call my cousin gay. "He's 36, not married, no kids...red flag!" He isn't gay...you just want him to be gay so you can have him. Go get some bidness!

Tactful Tuesday

Ay!

Stop looking at me like that!

Yeah, I know...it's been a while.

*hangs head in shame*

But today a certain "Thought of The Week" we used to read in h.s. freshman year came to mind and I thought I'd share it with you guys.

If any of my readers had Ms. Sharpe, then you know ALL about this

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude, to me, is more important than facts.
It is more important than the past,
the education,
the money,
than circumstances,
than failure,
than successes,
than what other people think or say or do.
It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.
It will make or break a company...
a church...
a home.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.
We cannot change our past...
we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.
We cannot change the inevitable.
The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have,
and that is our attitude.
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.
And so it is with you...
we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

~Charles R. Swindoll

Have a good one everyone!

K to the...

Who's Rude: Me, She, or Nature?

Hello, world!

This is a RUDE auss post, ladies and gents. I recently saw an old friend and forgot to tell my girl when I first saw him. Well, this morning, I told her and we had a grand ole rude auss time roasting. Below is our textvo!

P.S. We're not roasting simply to roast...the chick done did some grimey ish. Sooo...she deserves it

Rudeness #1: His boo is sooooooo funny looking.

Rudeness #2: Lol...ur so funny. Did he speak or did he try to play u?

Rudeness #1: He spoke, but gave the phony hug, then I realized that was her behind him.

Rudeness #2: That's funny...she is very funny looking though she looks worse with no weave...lol happy for them though

Rudeness #1: She had no weave on...MESS!

Rudeness #2: Lol yes a hot mess!!!!! And I'm sure a face full of ugly makeup!!!! I hate to see her without it

Rudeness #1: It was dim...and she was still funny looking. lol Didnt see how she looked in the light.

Rudeness #2: u may have ran cause it is so not cute. Nice to have ur guard dog on standby for u at all times...lol that was wrong I didn't mean that lol

Rudeness #1: LMAO! U are rude as hell. LMAO!

Rudeness #2: LMAO...I apologize cause that was mean. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that

Rudeness #1: I'm still laughing

Rudeness #2: I know she was growling when u hugged [him]...she a very good and protective bitch...lol ok no more

Rudeness #1: LMAO! I hatechu!

Rudeness #2: No u don't...lol

Rudeness #1: Lol Ok, i dont

Rudeness #2: Rudeness #3 calls her bridezilla and it has nothing to do with her attitude LMBO

Rudeness #1: Yall are so rude! lol

Rudeness #2: No her face and fat ass is rude and [he] is just cruel for bringing her out to terrorize the world lol...

Rudeness #1: LMAO

Rudeness #2: Ok but for real if he happy then so I am...that's what he loves...they will make beautiful babies...LMAO...ok i'm just reaching with that one

Rudeness #1: LMAO! Stop it...stop it right now! LMAO

Rudeness #2: U stop it...u started it LOL

Rudeness #1: Lol Nature started it...I just made an observation!

Rudeness #2: Sometimes Nature ain't even right!!!!! Just mean I say!!!!!!!!

Rudeness #1: LMAO! Stop it...stop it RAHT now

Rudeness #1: I'm making this convo blog post lol

Rudeness #2: Lol where u posting it?

Rudeness #1: To my blog...Imma do it this evening. lol

Rudeness #2: I didn't know u had a blog...lol...but that convo was hilarity (new word)

Rudeness #1: I use hilarity on the reg. And negro, i texted yall about the blog when I first started it. lol

Rudeness #2: I'm sorry but where do I work again????? Right I'm becoming the people I work for lol

Rudeness #1: Lol contagious Alzheimers...thats a new strand

Rudeness #2: Ummm yeah...the pentagon is researching now lol

Rudeness #1: lol

Big ups and fat shouts to this fool for keeping me laughing all morning.

K to the...